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Chapter Twelve
The Ruins of War
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Kalevi had thought that this week might finally be the start of something new, a breath of fresh air. Ben and Vano had left him with an unfair sense of peace. A feeling that he might finally be able to get his shit together. Kalevi had never thought of himself as naive in any sense of the word. He should have known it wouldn’t last. That little bubble of optimism was dashed violently on his very next shift at the fishmonger…
‘You’re late,’ Chester grunted as Kalevi put on his apron.
‘Yeah, the buses were running slow.’
The old man sneered, showing yellowed teeth. The man was never exactly friendly but his attitude toward Kalevi had taken a noticeable dive since Vano had covered a shift for him. Kalevi had asked the man about it at the time, but Vano had instead nothing negative had occurred. Kal was inclined to believe him. Likely it was more that the massive stag would not have been even slightly intimidated by Chester’s bullying, something the old hog would not have appreciated. ‘Plenty of people catch the bus. They all seem to make it to work on time. It’s the same fucking excuse with you.’
Kalevi stared at the man. What crawled up his ass and died? ‘Look, I’m sorry. I can stay back if that helps?’
‘If that helps? Like you’re doing me some great favor? You don’t fucking own this place, you know. You crawled in here begging for this job and you can’t even be bothered to turn up on time.’
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Kalevi took a breath, trying to maintain slow breathing. ‘I said I was sorry. I didn’t ask the bus to be late. It’s not like I’ve never just not showed up for a shift.’
‘You want a fucking medal for that? Nah, you act all high and mighty. You ain’t fucking irreplaceable, you hear me?’ Chester puffed out his chest. Kal had to ignore the pulse of blood lust in his chest that said the cat could rip the man’s eyes out. The stench of rotting fish, old sweat and chlorine burned his nostrils as Kal tried to hold his ground. Chester took another menacing step towards him. Did the man have the scent of beer on his breath?
‘Yeah, because people are just running in here to apply,’ Kalevi snapped, fast losing his patience.
‘You know what? You’re fired.’
A strange white noise buzzed in Kalevi’s ears. ‘What?’ The shop was deadly quiet. The two other men, both Mexican men of purposely quiet disposition, did not look up from their workstations. No one said anything.
Chester smirked, one of his croaked teeth sticking out between his lips. ‘Are you retarded? You’re fired. Take off your apron and get the fuck out. I’m done dealing with your bullshit attitude and your excuses.’
He had to breathe, had to concentrate on the pounding of his head to stop the cat from inside his core from clawing its way to the forefront. Kal wanted to argue, wanted to defend himself, but… he couldn’t. His control was hanging by a thread. As the buzzing grew louder and his stomach churned enough bile to bring sour vomit to the back of his burning throat, Kal couldn’t fight back.
‘Fine.’ Kalevi growled. He fumbled with the ties of his apron. His fingers struggled with the simple knot. Fired. He was fired. Ben’s smile, Vano’s approval, his brother’s joy. Lies. All of it, undeserving. He couldn’t talk, not without losing all control. Kalevi dropped the apron on the wet, slick floor and left the shop. Several loud, nasty swear followed him out as he stepped back out of the shop.
Kalevi felt numb. What did he do now? He looked around, his throat tight. In such a horrible situation, a person might call a close friend or family. Eli couldn’t know he was fired. He would worry. Kalevi didn’t have any close friends. He walked without aim, vaguely heading in the direction of the bus station. His hand was closed tight around his phone with an almost violent grip. He felt torn between mind, soul, and body.
Kal wanted to go home.
He didn’t want to go home.
What was at home? An empty building full of memories of violence and alcohol filled hysteria.
He sat at the bus stop. There was the vague smell of piss and cheap beer. People walked past. Vehicles honked their horns. Most of the streetlamps on this side were broken. A few islands of light highlighted little more than the numbers of the buses, weak signs to a place far away from here. He didn’t remember paying for his ride home, but he did vaguely acknowledge the rocking of the wheels over the pothole filled road. The cushions of the screeching bus were sticky from old gum. The breaks squealed even on the widest corners. The sound hurt his ears. The city lights of the night came on as the bus trundled along its route. Kalevi must have gotten off at the right stop because he was slowly walking up his street. He took his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door.
After that… Nothing.
‘Kalevi? Kal, are you drunk?’
It was Ben’s voice. Why was Ben here? Fuck. What time was it?
‘Tipsy at best. Why are you in my fucking house?’
‘You… gave us a spare key. Kal, we tried to call you. Several times.’ Did they? ‘We got worried when you didn’t answer. What happened?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Kalevi lied. His mouth tasted like the floor of a bar.
‘It does. Something has happened,’ Vano rumbled.
‘How astute of you,’ Kal growled.
‘Kalevi, please talk to us.’
He sat up. Apparently he’d passed out on the couch. The sudden movement made his head pound and the contents of his stomach shift unpleasantly. ‘Why are you in my fucking house!? Why can’t you just leave me alone?’ Kalevi screeched. He picked up his empty glass with the vague idea of getting a drink of water but his legs were wobbly.
‘Because, despite what you think, you can’t be left on your own. You were steady when you left. Something has happened. Why would you be this way now otherwise?’
‘Because I got fucking fired!’ Kalevi roared as he threw his empty glass to the floor. It smashed with explosive energy, sending shards of glass in every direction.
‘This is the perfect time to-’
‘It’s not the perfect time for anything! I’m not interested in your bullshit! Just get out.’ He turned blazing eyes on the pair of them. Neither of them moved.
‘You need to show us you can control this anger,’ Vano said.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair! ‘Show you control? I have a right to be angry!’ Kal screamed. Pain, rage, humiliation and fear were battling inside his chest. Fuck, he wasn’t going to be able to afford the bills without that job.
‘You do. Of course you do. But you are also a shifter.’
Kal was barely able to process what Ben was saying. There was a harsh ringing in his skull as he spiraled. ‘I was ten minutes late because of the bus. I did everything that scumbag ever told me to. It’s not…’
‘Breathe Kal. Don’t shift.’
‘Fuck!’ Kal roared. He punched the wall, feeling the drywall crack under the impact. He could feel everything, every slide of muscle under his skin, every subtle shit of the floating dust in the air. His hearing was sharpening, his vision too. He had to get this under control. He had to! But what if he couldn’t? He couldn’t lose Eli. He was the only good thing left in Kal’s life!
Kal stared at them, his eyes wide and terrified. ‘Help me.’
It was Vano that came forward. He practically crushed Kalevi to his chest, smothering him in the warm, robust scent of forest pine and stag. When Kal lifted his face, lips brushed his own in answer to a request he hadn’t yet articulated. He hadn’t kissed Vano before. The man’s jaw was rough with recent growth. He hadn’t shaved that day. His hands felt huge where they rested on his waist. Kal scrunched his claws into Vano’s expensive shirt. There was no complaint. Just warm, strong hands carding through his hand and keeping him close. Kal whined weakly as the lips gently disconnected from his.
‘If you want more, you have to relax, control your shift,’ Ben said gently. Kal gave a miserable groan.
‘Just breathe. You’re doing so well.’
‘I can’t. It hurts.’ The cat inside screeched. It wanted to be free. It felt trapped and strangled.
‘You can. We know you can. You can’t keep burying your pain. It has nowhere else to go but into your shift. Into your cat.’ This… this made him pause. Was that what he was doing? Forcing every ounce of pain down into the trapped animal at his core until it had nowhere to go but… out.
‘You can do it. I promise you can,’ Vano murmured, gently nuzzling into Kal’s cheek. Kalevi took several long breaths. He closed his eyes and focused on unclenched his fingers from Vano’s undoubtably now tattered shirt. When Kal opened his eyes again, it was with human pupils and a man’s senses. Ben stepped into his space, trapping him between the jungle cat and the stag.
‘You did so well,’ Ben purred, rubbing his cheek against Kal’s in feline approval. He was guided back to the couch. Ben brought him over a glass water, some painkillers and a muesli bar. He was given some space as he drank and ate. The awful swimming of his vision settled along with the nauseating gurgle in his stomach. He heard Ben washing up the few dishes in the sink. Vano busied himself with picking up the clothes that were strewn about the room. Shit, Kal had really dropped the ball. He groaned quietly, his head still tender. Ben refilled his glass of water. When he had finished, Ben sat down beside him.
‘How do you feel?’
‘More in control,’ Kal muttered then grimaced. ‘Hungry. Drained.’
‘We’ll organize something proper to eat,’ Ben promised.
Kal swallowed, feeling his throat click. ‘I have to get another job. I don’t have time to sit around here. I need that money.’ He made to stand up when Vano placed a hand on his shoulder.
‘Then we help you apply for more jobs, better paying jobs. Have you put in more applications since the last time we spoke about your resume?’
Kal hesitated. ‘Um, no.’ He waited for the disappointment but oddly, it didn’t come.
‘Then we start there my dear. In the meantime, call your other places of work and ask for more hours.’
‘Yeah, okay,’ Kal said. Despite the suggestion, he still a strange sense unease and tension. He couldn’t put his finger on it. ‘Thanks,’ he added awkwardly.
‘It’s alright. I’m sorry Kal, but we do need to head off soon. Are you doing okay?’
‘Yes.’ No! No, not in the fucking slightest! The idea that the two shifters were about to disappear sent a bolt of terror straight through him. The feeling was so abrupt and violent that it stole his breath for several seconds as he watched them stand up from the couch. No. They couldn’t leave yet! He needed them! Couldn’t they see that?
‘You said I did well,’ he blurted out.
‘You did. You showed that you underst-’
‘I want something for it.’ Ben blinked, his sentence faltering. He and Vano glanced once at each other and then back at their charge. As he took in Kal’s appearance, he knew they screwed up. Kal was not okay. He had managed to hold himself together but now at the prospect of them leaving, the cat was trembling. Not just trembling but vibrating with tension. His eyes were a bit too wide, and his hands were wringing together with enough force to nearly remove skin.
‘I don’t want you to leave yet. Fuck, that sounds so pathetic! Eli will be home soon. I have to tell him I got fired. I haven’t paid the electricity bill yet and he has exams he needs to study forandIdon’tthinkanyofthesejobsaregoingtocallmebackand-’
‘Kalevi.’ It was Vano who took his face gently in his hands, stopping the increasing wave of words that had begun to run together.
‘I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m going to lose him,’ Kal sobbed. It was like the dam had finally cracked and he couldn’t stop it. All he could do was stand at its base and wait to be crushed.
‘You won’t. Kal, you won’t lose him.’ Claws sunk into Vano’s arms. They were true claws, but they were far sharper than any human fingernail. He didn’t let go of the cat. Instead, he drew him closer.
‘Breathe little cat. We have never lied to you before.’ Vano’s deep rumbling voice was helping. Kalevi squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to force air down into the bottom of his lungs instead of letting it choke him.
‘Why is this happening? I was fine,’ Kal rasped.
Ben sighed. ‘That was our fault. I’m so sorry Kal. We were so worried about calming you down that we didn’t address the original trigger.’
‘You going to get my job back?’ Kalevi asked flatly, but he still nuzzled into Vano’s chest, needing the body heat and closeness.
‘No dear. Your fear of losing your brother.’
Kal swallowed but said nothing. ‘You feel like he is all you have left in the world. You think so little of yourself. Do you truly think he cares if he can’t be given the best clothes or the fanciest food?’
Kal laughed bitterly. ‘Okay, first off, he already never got those things. Second, if I can’t handle my shifting then-’
‘Then we work on it. The elders won’t just separate you two without cause. They don’t want that. If you didn’t try, if you didn’t care, other steps would need to be taken, but you are trying and you do care.’ Kalevi seemed to consider Ben’s words.
‘I’m not used to this. You both have all this faith in me,’ he rasped. Ben wanted to say it was because Kal had earned it, but he knew the cat would never accept that. The opinion he had of himself was so dark and damaged. He wished he could make Kal see himself the same way he and Vano saw him. Not as a failed, broken shell, but as a powerful protector and positive force in his brother’s life
Vano picked Kal up and placed him in his lap. Kalevi sagged limply in Vano’s lap, his arms wrapped around the man’s neck. Vano was so much larger than him that it almost felt like he was a small child again.
‘Go. I will stay with him,’ Vano said.
‘When I come back, we’ll talk about this properly,’ Ben insisted. Kalevi said nothing.
—
Eli groaned as he rubbed his temples.
‘Tea?’ Sarah offered.
‘Coffee,’ he whimpered.
The otter snorted. ‘You drink too much coffee. I think you can have tea.’
‘You’re so mean to me. I finished my essay a whole four days early! I’ve been studying all afternoon.’ He blinked at her, eyelashes fluttering. He knew it was hopeless even before she crossed her arms and glared back.
‘Don’t even try to pull that rubbish. You’re not that cute. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the amount of times you’ve picked up your phone.’
‘I need it for research!’ Eli whined.
‘Oh yes, that’s why you kept scrolling through those sports fail videos…’
‘Umm… busted?’ he offered sheepishly.
The otter smirked. ‘Very busted. Come on Eli, you’ve been so distracted these last couple of days. What’s wrong?’
Eli sighed. It was hard to see him look conflicted. He was one of those people that just melded well with the world. He was gentle and warm with the kind of smile that could melt an iron heart. Despite his age, he was oddly self-aware of how his words and actions affected others.
Sarah hadn’t really met Kalevi yet, but she had heard plenty of stories. She wanted to congratulate the man on raising such a well-rounded person. The otter knew the family’s history, of course. She had read the files extensively the moment she had been told there was a possibility of being assigned to one of the brothers. They were a rare and sad case of shifters that had slipped through the cracks of a system that had truly failed them. Their father should never have been allowed to stay with the family as long as he had.
His record was horrific. Violent and a drunkard were two marks against the man’s name, but they were only the beginning. There were a number of violent incidents, both involving other shifters and humans. Several disappearances were linked to jaguar, but nothing could be proved and sadly, the situation had been left to lie. The mother of the family was a weak, simpering ghost of a girl who had done little to protect her children and even less to protect herself.
Eli sighed as he played absentmindedly with his phone, spinning it on the desktop. ‘It’s Kal. I know he’s not telling me something. He treats me like a cub. I’m not a little kid anymore. I don’t need constant protection.’ He shot her a hard look, the implication clear.
‘I’m not here to protect you,’ Sarah began. ‘I’m here to help you stay balanced and in control. Your brother is here to make sure you are fed and loved.’
Eli winced. ‘I know that. It’s just I don’t think he can ever see me as anything else but that beat-up little kid. We’re more than just what happened to us, but he can’t ever let it go. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I graduate. What if I have to move to get into college?’
Sarah smiled gently. ‘Do you want to go to college? A college qualification isn’t as vital as it used to be, depending on what field you would like to go into.’
‘Kal thinks I should be a lawyer or a real estate agent or something. Someone who can earn lots of money. I get why. It’s… not exactly fun to be poor. You know he used to volunteer at the local food pantry every day after school? You can’t actually go in there to get things without a parent or guardian. Neither of our parents would go with us, but Kalevi worked out that if he volunteered moving boxes and restocking shelves, they would let him take a box or bag with him when he left. It was the only way we could get some food most weeks. Dad found him sneaking back in one night. He… he broke Kal’s wrist.’
‘I’m sorry Eli,’ Sarah said.
Eli shook his head. ‘Don’t be. It doesn’t help much. I just want to move on but it’s hard when Kal is so fixated on it. It’s like the world has become his own personal warzone. I don’t… I don’t like coming home sometimes. Don’t tell him I said that.’
The otter considered him thoughtfully. ‘Of course I won’t but really, I think the two of you should sit down and talk about all this properly.’
Eli laughed weakly. ‘Yeah sure. You haven’t met my brother yet, but I will say he’s not the easiest to talk to but… I get what you mean.’ He smiled at her. ‘It’s nice to have an adult to talk to. Not just an adult, but a shifter, you know?’
Sarah nodded. ‘I do. Come on. Let’s go for a walk. We’ve been in this stuffy library too long. You can get back to studying when we get back.’
‘Joy.’
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END
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