Author’s Note: Please note there are mentions of self-harm in this chapter.
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Chapter Six
Learning to Play Nice
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Kalevi was in a bad mood. This was not entirely unusual but for this morning it was a little worse than normal. He had woken up in the morning and trudged to the fridge only to find they were out of milk. And bread. And hot water as a matter of fact. He wanted a shower and some damn cereal. Was that so friggin hard?
His foul mood continued as he picked up his phone only to get a text from Eli to say he wasn’t going to be home again tonight and was instead going out with friends. Kalevi really tried not to nag Eli about his studies but today was Monday and Eli should be home studying. Kal never knew how much to push. Did he say something or not? No one had ever spoke to Kalevi about finishing his homework. Mind, his teachers gave up on him long before he actually just stopped going to classes altogether. Fuck.
He slammed his phone down and went to have a cold shower. He may have punched the shower wall. Bad idea. Now his knuckles hurt. Work was a bitch. He was yelled at by two separate Karens. First because the lady’s favourite brand of tea had changed its packaging and she hated the way it looked and the second lady because they were out of stock of an item they couldn’t get in for another week. Somehow this was completely Kal’s fault and he had to stand there wearing that stupid apron that didn’t fit him properly as they told him what a useless piece of garbage he was.
Hell should just be a front of house retail position. Forever. On Black Friday.
His lunch break was two cups of coffee with three sugars and some biscuits left in the cupboard by Pete. Coffee and tea were free for workers so Kal could have as much as he wanted. Granted, it was terrible coffee. Licking the pavement outside might carry a slightly better flavour but he had long since learnt to take what he could get. He sat through some painful small talk, listening in irritated silence as two of the register girls talked loudly about their weekend. His shift ended at three. He packed his shit into his backpack, changed shirts and caught the bus to his next job for the night run.
He got home at about two in the morning, joints aching and his stomach rumbling with hunger. He went to the fridge before he remembered there was nothing in and then ate a packet of 2-minute noodles dry out of the plastic. He was too tired to bother cooking it. The house was disgustingly quiet, all the lights were off. Usually, Eli would leave the lights on for him, but he doubted Eli had even been home. He couldn’t blame his little brother for not wanting to spend that much time here.
This house was a shithole. They didn’t exactly have an overabundance of fond memories within these walls. The house itself badly needed some kind of soft touch but the interior hadn’t had a feminine feel to it even when Kalevi’s mother was still alive. The woman was such a wreck eighty percent of the time, the nicest addition she’d ever brought to the home were the flowering weeds she pulled from the garden and shoved into a beer can for display on the counter. Classy. So, Kal sat in the dark (no reason to jack up the electricity bill when he was the only one home) at the kitchen table and ate his dry noodles. They seemed to get stuck in his throat as he reflected on the empty house.
This was his life. His whole, entire, fucking life.
The next day he readied himself for work. His back still twinged from all the boxes he’d moved last night. He would get paid later today. It would be good to get some food in the house before Eli came home. As he walked to the bus stop, he had a really odd feeling that he was forgetting something. He double checked for his phone, wallet and housekeys. They were all there. He shrugged it off as discomfort. He got to the bus and waited. The hairs on the back of his neck tingled. He took a casual look to his left and scowled.
‘The fuck?’ he snapped.
‘Language,’ Vano rumbled.
Ben beamed at him. ‘Good morning!’
‘It’s too early for this shit,’ Kalevi growled.
‘I thought you might say that. Breakfast wrap?’ Ben held out a foil covered object. ‘It has extra cheese, bacon and a hashbrown.’
Fuck. When had he become so easy to manipulate with food? Kalevi snatched the wrap away. He was about to stuff it into his backpack when Ben asked, ‘Aren’t you going to eat it now?’
‘Can’t. Bus. Some of the drivers pitch a bitch fit if they catch you eating hot food in morning,’ Kalevi grumbled.
‘And if we gave you a lift to work?’ Ben asked.
Kalevi paused. He really did want to eat the wrap now… ‘Would it count as our meet up for the day?’ Kalevi asked with a tiny amount of hope.
‘No,’ Vano rumbled. Fuck.
‘Why not?’ Kalevi snapped.
‘Because ten minutes in a car hardly gives us enough time to assess you and answer your questions.’
‘That or you have terrible time management skills.’
Ben actually laughed. ‘You are spicy on an empty stomach. Come on, eat your breakfast and we’ll drive you in.’ Kalevi groaned but caved. He reluctantly followed Ben to the man’s car, Vano coming up behind like some creepy bodyguard. Kal slid into the backseat and dug into his wrap. He unwrapped it, his mouth flooding with saliva at the waft of maple bacon and cheese. He ate ravenously.
‘How was work?’ Ben asked.
Kalevi snorted into his food. ‘Seriously? How was work? What are you, the parent that never was?’ Kalevi muttered, licking a little sauce off his finger.
‘Kal, you need to work with us a little here. I know this is frustrating…’
‘It’s not frustrating, it’s demeaning. What the hell are you trying to get out of such a stupid question? My life’s ambitions?’
‘It’s called a conversation starter.’
‘No, it isn’t. No teenager or anyone with half a brain cell replies with anything other than “fine”.’
Ben actually laughed. ‘Alright. You got me there. Alright, how about this, what would you like to do with us this afternoon?’
‘You mean other than possibly drowning?’ Kalevi said flatly.
‘We could go swimming if you like,’ Ben said, completely ignoring Kal’s sarcasm.
‘…Does anything bother you?’
‘Very little.’ Kalevi glared at the back of the man’s head for a minute before putting his attention back on his food. To his surprise it was Vano who spoke up next.
‘There is a small pub on the outskirts of town. They have a fireplace they light in the colder months. They do meat pies and steak. We could go, eat, sit by the fire…’
Kalevi shifted uncomfortably. ‘And talk about what?’
‘Nothing, if you want,’ Vano said in his deep voice.
‘How… does that help with my… rehabilitation?’ Kalevi said the word as though something rancid and slimy was sliding over the back of his tongue.
‘You need to learn how to be calm, how to relax. If you do not trust us, then we cannot move forward.’
‘Then we’ll be stuck together for a long time,’ Kalevi muttered.
‘We aren’t asking you to trust us with your life, dear, just that we want to help you,’ Ben said softly.
Kalevi wasn’t sure what to say to this, so he instead he settled with: ‘The pub sounds fine if you’re buying. I don’t have steak money.’
‘Of course.’
Today was… a mildly better day. He had a full stomach which definitely helped. The idea of eating a steak for dinner was pretty encouraging too. Eli called him at lunch, complaining about one of the guest lecturers who went forty minutes overtime and bored all the students to death. Kalevi was also asked to break down the stock on the arriving pallets onto roll cages for the aisle teams to restock the shelves. This meant he got to spend the entire day in the back dock, unloading instead of on the shop floor being yelled at by customers. He actually almost smiled when one of the truck drivers wished him farewell. Almost.
The most insane part of the day came at the end when he got home, had a shower, and found himself grumbling over his reflection. He didn’t know what to do with his hair or what to wear. Which was ridiculous because this outing was not a date! He wouldn’t even be going if he didn’t have to.
They should be grateful if he walked out of the house wearing anything at all. Besides, he didn’t own any nice clothes. His father had owned a suit, but Kalevi would rather set his own tail on fire than ever wear any of the bastard’s old clothes. Hell, he’d set this whole goddamn house on fire if he didn’t still need to live in it.
Eventually he gave up and pulled on some cleanish jeans and an old shirt. He waited grumpily out the front until Ben pulled up. With a heavy sigh, Kal trudged down the drive and let himself into the backseat. They set off for the pub. Being a Tuesday, it wasn’t too busy, and they easily found a table. To Kalevi’s hidden delight, it was cold enough for the managers to light the fire. He got as close to it as he could, his back warming deliciously. It smelt good in the pub. Burning timber, beer, sizzling meat, and hot fries.
‘Here,’ Ben handed him a menu. It was a small menu. The hot cider caught his attention. Shit, when was the last time he ever had hot cider? His eyes dropped immediately to the steak, his mouth watering. Then his eyes travelled to the price, and he hesitated. Honestly, for a regular person living a normal nine to five, the price of the food was perfectly acceptable but to him… he wasn’t paying for it so it shouldn’t matter.
‘Do you know what you would like? We have to go to the counter to order,’ Vano rumbled.
‘Just the steak with salad and fries.’
‘That wasn’t the only thing you were looking at,’ Vano said. Kalevi shot him an annoyed look. Overly observant bastard…
‘Yeah, and? It’s a menu. I’m supposed to look at it,’ he snapped aggressively.
Ben sighed. ‘Kal, you’re fighting us again and I’m not even sure why.’
Kalevi shifted uncomfortably. ‘I’m not,’ he muttered.
‘Does it… feel good to be angry? Does it help you feel in control?’ Ben asked curiously.
Now Kalevi was very uncomfortable. He was not a warm and fuzzy kind of guy. He didn’t like talking about his feelings. Hell, he’d made his school councillor cry once after she’d demanded he open up more… That was her fault. She should have minded her own business. Still, Ben’s question left a sour taste in his mouth.
‘I don’t know. Can we change the subject?’
‘No. Not yet. Dealing with what makes you upset is part of helping you heal. I can understand if projecting anger is one way of protecting yourself but if it doesn’t help you feel good, then is it worth it?’
‘That’s dumb,’ Kalevi said, face flushing. ‘It’s not about- I just am… I can’t, I’m not good at this shit!’
‘Talking to people?’
‘Yes! People just want things! No one actually cares how I feel or what I want so why the fuck-’
‘We care,’ Ben said softly.
‘You’re here because you are being paid to be,’ Kalevi snapped. ‘This is how people like you get your rocks off, saving poor helpless little victims like me.’
‘You see yourself as a victim?’
‘Never. And fuck you. I’m done with this conversation.’
‘There you go again, using bad language, insults, and aggression to avoid things you find uncomfortable. Are you going to do the same when you and Eli have a disagreement? What about when one of your bosses need you to do something you don’t want to do? Are you going to get angry then? Kal, you need another way to handle your world or it’s going to fall apart.’
Kalevi glared down at the tabletop, biting his tongue hard enough that he tasted blood.
‘Stop that.’ Kal froze as a large warm hand touched his chin and lifted his face. He met those deep brown eyes and felt horrifically seen. ‘Stop hurting yourself. Physical pain doesn’t erase emotional pain, it’s just a temporary distraction.’
‘And you would know?’ Kal rasped. Vano let him go and his skin tingled where he’d been touched. The huge man rolled up a sleeve. On the underside of his huge muscular arm were pale raised scars. Very self-explanatory scars. Kalevi stared at them until Vano tugged his sleeve back into place.
‘I’ll order the food,’ Ben said, standing and walking away.
‘He didn’t ask what you wanted,’ Kalevi muttered.
‘We have been together a long time. He knows my likes and I trust him to make the right decision. Besides, the worst that could happen is I do not like the food. My world won’t end for a bad meal.’ It was such a simple statement, but it hit Kalevi like a punch to the chest. He blinked rapidly, hating the bite of salt at the corners of his eyes.
‘Kalevi, do you have anywhere where you can be safe? Be you? Be the cat?’
‘The world isn’t safe,’ Kalevi rasped.
‘That is truly how you feel?’ Vano asked.
‘…Yes.’
The large man reached out slowly and when Kal didn’t jerk away, he took his hand. Vano’s hand was so much bigger than his, warm too. He held still, his entire body vibrating with tension but the people around them just kept on with their conversations. No one looked at them. No one said anything. The world wouldn’t end for a bad meal…
When Ben returned, Kal pulled his hand away, but Vano didn’t try to stop him. The other shifter remained silent and calm. To Kalevi’s great relief, the conversation Ben started up after he sat back down was much lighter and less question based. Kal felt too raw and exposed to talk much and thankfully the food arrived soon and gave him an excuse not to comment for a while. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but the two of them had given him a lot to think about. At the end of the day, yes, Kalevi used his anger to deal with a lot of situations. It was easier. It felt like his factory setting and he’d been that way for a very long time.
Growing up, it had felt better to be angry than to be scared and alone.
It had felt better to be angry than be disappointed yet again.
It felt better to be angry than to be helpless…
Now the anger was imprinted on him, like his own personal sun damage, blistering and perhaps life threatening if he couldn’t get it under control. In the short term he’d used his rage as his sword and shield, but the war was over. The bastard was in jail and the bitch was dead. It was just Kalevi and Eli left standing, but some part of Kal’s brain hadn’t received the message.
‘I’m tired,’ he said suddenly. They had finished their dinner and Ben was harping on about snowboarding. The abrupt sentence caused him to stop.
‘Of course. It’s getting late. Come on, we’ll take you home.’ But it was Vano who looked at Kal and seemed to understand the double meaning in the words. When they got to the car, Vano sat in the back seat with Kalevi. Kal glanced at him with some trepidation, but he was too emotionally drained to snap at the man. When Vano took hold of Kalevi’s hand, the cat just let him. They drove in silence and by the time they reached Kal’s house, he was leaning against the older shifter and fast asleep.
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END
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