Author’s Note: Big disclaimer here. There is a lot of talk on learned helplessness and mentions of abuse in this chapter. These are fictional characters with fictional backgrounds. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek advice from a professional.
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Chapter Seven
Learned Helplessness
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‘What the fuck is this?’
‘Language,’ Vano rumbled. It had become a sort of reflex of the older man. No one had brought up the odd cuddle session Kal had shared with Vano in the back of the car from a couple days prior. This was good. It meant Kalevi didn’t have to kill anyone this early in the morning. Ben and Vano had brought over a large folder and coffee. Whilst Kalevi had been happy to see the coffee, the contents of the folder were a different story.
As he started to scan through the papers, he quickly noticed they were all roughly the same thing. Job opportunities. Very high-level job opportunities, or at least they were in comparison to what he was doing now. He restocked shelves, cleaned dishes, flipped burger patties, not… this.
‘What’s the matter? You said you didn’t mind if we did a little job hunting for you.’
‘Yeah, but I’m not qualified for any of these,’ Kalevi growled. ‘Are you trying to rub it in?’
‘What makes you think you aren’t qualified?’ Ben asked.
Kalevi ripped one of the jobs out at random and glared down at it. ‘Look at this! “Collaborate and liaison with clients, referrers and other stakeholders.” What the hell does that mean?’
‘Simply put, it’s asking you to list your experience with working within a team and more importantly, with your customers.’
‘Then why doesn’t it just freakin say that?’ Kal snapped.
Ben smiled ruefully. ‘There is a kind of… language to this sort of thing.’
‘I can’t do this bullshit,’ Kal growled, throwing the sheet back down on the table.
‘Language,’ Vano cut in. Kalevi felt his face flush. He didn’t know why, but hearing the large shifter speak made him feel… seen. Maybe not seen, understood? Ben sighed. ‘Kal, do you know what learned helplessness is?’
‘Isn’t that a thing they learned from electrocuting dogs in the 1960s or some shit?’
Ben blinked, apparently surprised. ‘You’ve read about that experiment?’
Kal shrugged. ‘Maybe. What of it?’
‘Essentially learned helplessness is a psychological phenomenon where an individual learns that they are unable to avoid bad things from happening to them, so they stop trying to avoid or prevent them in the future. These people lose motivation to alter their situation. In theory, it can be a learned behavioural response common in people who are repeatedly exposed to stressful situations – though obviously this a horrific simplification…’
‘My dad drank a lot and beat the shit out of me enough to break my brain and now I’m too unmotivated to try and fix my own problems?’ Kal sneered.
‘Kalevi, be honest, do you seriously think that is what I’m trying to say?’ Ben asked softly. ‘Or is that response another aggressive reaction to an uncomfortable topic? You keep saying you can’t find a better job, but you also said that you’ve never even applied.’
Kal dropped his furious gaze to the table. Unfortunately, he could see the point the asshole was trying to make. Kalevi had never been good at resume writing or any of that crap. Maybe they had been taught how to do it properly in school but by senior high, he’d already stopped going to classes. All the jobs he had he’d gotten by seeing a notice taped to a window and going inside to talk to people. The jobs generally needed muscle, not brain power, and a body that would turn up for shifts. It meant he’d not had too many issues finding work, but he was just a number and he wasn’t worth very much to any of them.
‘Kalevi, the worst thing that could happen if you applied for one of these jobs is that they turn you down. Would you really be any worse off? What about the best case scenario? What about if you get the job? You would get paid more and you could cut your hours with the other jobs that don’t pay as well. You would be able to sleep more, spend more time with your brother, have a life outside of work,’ Ben explained.
A life outside of work. Kalevi wasn’t even sure what that looked like.
‘I’ve never written a resume before. Or sent in an electronic application,’ Kal muttered.
‘We can help you write it,’ Vano rumbled.
‘Fine,’ Kal muttered. ‘But don’t get your hopes up. Just because I fill out these damn things doesn’t mean that I’ll get the job.’
‘That is true. You will probably get a rejection from some of them, maybe even several of them. That is the nature of job hunting,’ said Vano wisely. It was so damn hard to stay angry with these two. Vano was so calm and warm, and Ben was so stupidly kind and energetic. He still didn’t know what drove them to volunteer for this, but he couldn’t deny his situation could be worse.
‘Give me your phone,’ Ben said, snapping Kalevi out of his thoughts.
‘Why?’ He reluctantly handed it over.
‘So we can put our numbers in, of course.’
‘You can call us, anytime you need. We will come,’ Vano rumbled. He reached out his large hand. Kalevi flinched but held himself still. He… needed this today. He wanted the contact. He didn’t know how to ask for it, couldn’t ask for it but somehow Vano seemed to understand regardless. The warm hand stroked down his cheek and along his jawbone. Kal shivered. The moment didn’t last long but Vano seemed to decide slow and steady was the best method with the prickly feline.
‘If it helps at all, we brought you some hash browns. The good kind from the diner on Pitt Street.’ Ben handed his phone back to him along with a little container and Christ did it smell like heaven. Kalevi took it and peered inside. Golden and crispy.
‘I got you a little container of maple syrup too.’
‘For hash browns?’ Kal asked whilst still clutching his new prize.
‘I love a little maple syrup with my hash browns,’ Ben laughed.
‘… Thank you,’ Kal said finally.
‘Anytime.’
Ben set up Kalevi’s ancient laptop and they got started on Kal’s resume. Rather than Kal having to write down his jobs, Ben and Vano took turns asking him questions about his various roles. What he liked, disliked, where he felt he was strongest and where he struggled. It was an odd way to write a resume, but after an hour of work they had a really solid template. Kalevi was impressed. He didn’t recognise himself in this document. It seemed wrong.
‘What’s wrong? You have a dark expression,’ Vano asked.
‘This… doesn’t sound like me. This resume is for someone who… did things in their life.’
‘Kalevi, I don’t understand why you are so unable to see any good in yourself. Nothing in this resume has been made up. Yes, we may have helped word it but all this experience, all this knowledge is from inside your head. This is saved to your computer. We’ve taken enough of your time today and I know you unfortunately have work to go to. Pick a few of the jobs and submit something. Anything. Just start, okay?’ Ben smiled and Kalevi found it impossible to say no.
‘Okay.’
The two shifters left. Kalevi wanted to spend a bit more time working on the job listing but unfortunately, he did have to get ready. He was glad he’d been given the hash browns because they were once again out of food, and he wouldn’t have eaten otherwise. He had a rapid unheated shower and raced out the door. The evening was icy cold, windy and overcast. The wind picked at him as though it had a personal vendetta, finding every single hole in his jacket.
Shivering, he waited at the bus stop. Ten minutes passed, then fifteen. What the fuck? The bus was never this late! He checked his phone, teeth chattering. This was not going to go down well with his boss. The grocery store was more family friendly and slightly more understanding but the fish monger he was about to go to wasn’t. By the time the bus finally trundled around the corner, Kalevi was running late and his fingers were numb. He sat, trying to thaw out on the degraded and lumpy bus seat. Great, so much for a good start.
He walked into the dim shop and was met with the usual violent punch to the nose caused by the scent of fish just on the cusp of going bad. Bleach and the stink of the sea was heavy in the air. It had taken him weeks to get used to the smell.
‘Kalevi, you’re late,’ Chester grunted. The old man was grey haired, pot-bellied and stunk of fish waste and chewing tobacco.
‘I know, I’m sorry. The bus was running behind.’
‘Nevertheless, we expected you here fifteen minutes ago. I’m going to have to note this on your file. Be here for your shift or don’t come at all. You ain’t irreplaceable,’ the man sneered before stalking away. Kalevi grit his teeth together. The man called back over his shoulder, ‘You’re out back today. Hope you like fish coz you’ll be gutting a lot of em’.’
This place was so much worse than the grocery store Kalevi worked nights at, but the pay was usually a fraction higher. Today was worse than Kalevi could have imagined. Normally, for this particular job he was up front serving customers. The most they ever got him to do was unload the truck, refill the ice in the display cabinets and scale fish for the customers. The gutting part happened behind back. He got changed and headed out back.
Seven hours later and Kalevi wanted to bathe in bleach. He didn’t think he would ever get the smell out. His body ached with tiredness. His only other job had been ripping out the insides from a huge tub of squid. He might be a cat, but he never wanted to see another fish again… or until his next shift. The door slammed shut behind him. He just wanted to get home and sleep. The hash browns were a distant memory. He hadn’t stopped working for dinner. He didn’t have any spare money to go buy anything anyway. An old woman gave him a disgusted look as he stepped onto the bus smelling of fish guts. He sat as far away from her as he could. Fuck you too lady.
He got home late. Before he opened the door, he frowned at the unfamiliar car in the guest carpark downstairs. His dark mood was not improved at the sound of giggling. He turned on the lights.
‘Ah, Kal! What the hell?’ His brother yelped from the couch where he very notably had a petite female in his lap.
‘I’m home from work. What the hell is this?’ Kal growled. The girl flushed. Hr shirt was tucked up on one side and her lip gloss was noticeably smudged.
‘You’re not usually back so early,’ Eli grumbled.
‘It’s a damn school night. You should be in bed. Alone,’ Kalevi barked. Taking the hint, the girl quickly slid of Eli’s lap. Eli turned a blazing glare on his brother.
‘Kal!’
‘Don’t Kal me. Who the fuck is she?’
‘Back off!’ Eli launched to his feet. He wasn’t wearing a shirt but at least he still had his jeans. ‘She’s a friend.’
‘I can see that,’ Kal growled.
‘Oh, screw you! I’m not a little kid anymore! You don’t get to say who I hang out with! You’re never even home!’
‘You live under my roof! You are still in school and I’m your damn family. You don’t bring home some random chick to bang!’
‘Her name is Hayley and we’ve been friends for years which you would fucking know if you had been in my life for more than a few minutes!’ Eli grabbed his shirt and threw it on. They weren’t even talking to each other anymore. They were just screaming at each other. Distantly, over the buzzing in his own head, Kalevi was aware of their neighbours pounding on the walls telling them to shut up.
‘You think the bills pay themselves?!’ Kalevi shouted.
‘Oh, that’s always your excuse! Everyone has bills to pay! Come on Hayley.’
‘Fuck no. You’re not leaving. She is,’ Kalevi snarled. Eli snarled right back, his eyes flickering. Kal couldn’t press him, not here and now or the danger of shifting would become very real. Eli didn’t say another word, just stomped to the front door and opened it. The stunned and red-faced girl followed him out. The front door slammed, leaving Kalevi fuming and still stinking of fish guts.
Kalevi let out a scream of frustration at the closed door. His insides were twisting. He didn’t know if he wanted to claw the room apart or throw up. He couldn’t be a human anymore. He tore off his clothes and kicked off his shoes with enough violence to send one sneaker into the wall with a thud.
He stomped to the shower. The water was ice cold as usual. He scrubbed his skin raw. He could still smell the fish once he was done but it was somewhat better. He was too angry to call Eli and check on him yet, not that Eli would answer anyway. They both needed to calm down.
Back in his bedroom, Kalevi flicked off the lights and threw his towel on the floor. He shifted into his cat form. Gods, he wanted to burn his clothes. He left them on the floor in the bathroom to deal with later. He climbed onto the bed, his claws gripping the old blankets. A short nap, then he would get up for work in the morning. He could call Eli at lunchtime. He curled up into a tight ball and tried to fall asleep. His mind raced in chaotic circles.
What could he have done different? How did normal shifter families handle this shit? Hell, Eli was bigger than Kal now. He was the stronger animal. He’d inherited the powerful jaguar whilst Kal was the pathetic alley cat. How was he supposed to force his younger brother to do anything?
He must have managed to fall asleep eventually because the next time he opened his eyes, sunlight was peeking through the ratty blinds. It was a brand-new day.
Yay.
He lay still for a few moments. It was quiet for once. His heart sank as he immediately remembered the fight he’d had with his brother last night. It had been so stupid. Eli was getting older every day and Kal just didn’t know how to handle him. He had to find a way though or he would lose his brother forever.
Kalevi stretched and jumped down off the bed. He needed to shift back and get ready for work. It wasn’t going to be fun. Kal hurt, both mentally and psychically. He knew he needed to call Eli and check on him, but he couldn’t face that just yet. He closed his eyes for the shift. But nothing happened. Tensing from nose to tail, Kalevi’s eyes flew open. He looked down at his paws, concentrating but… nothing happened. He couldn’t shift!
He was stuck as a cat!
Well, shit.
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END
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